I ain’t got time for petty bullsh*t.
Its true, actually. This summer I was given the unique opportunity, once I got accepted to PTA school, to do whatever I wanted, make my summer look exactly like the one I’ve always had in my head. And what was that summer, exactly?
It’s calm. Its chill. Its working less and living more and exploring Pisgah, the place I can’t quite quit. Its not having to be at any one job before 10 in the morning, giving me plenty of time to stretch, walk Pigeon, ride my bike, paint, meditate. Its the summer of endless mornings.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the people we allow in our lives, and how we have so much control over who that is. Over the winter, I spent almost 5 days a week alone in Pisgah, a lot with Pigeon, a lot on my bike. While out there, tramping around, I got so comfortable and content by myself that I began to prefer being alone.
And I realized something: protecting my energy doesn’t make me a bitch. In a world where everyone is looking out for themselves, looking out for myself doesn’t make me selfish. I’m not egotistical because I love my own company, I’m healthy. I love being around people, but I don’t need to put up with negative energy because I’m desperate for people.
I talked about this with a friend of mine recently, a fellow kayak instructor. He was talking about how being an empath can be hard because he rarely takes time for himself. It feels selfish to do that. It also feels selfish and bitchy to create boundaries with people who take advantage of your kind heart. It feels self centered to protect your own energy.
But at the end of the day, if you aren’t protecting your own energy, who is?
I’ve written before about learning to be selfish. I’m writing about it again because its back in the forefront of my head. As I thought about how to make this summer look, taking advantage of the blank slate that it is, I found myself also realizing perhaps there were things I could cut out of my life that were not uplifting. With that realization came the guilt: how could I be so self centered?
But I also realized that if I’m not looking out for myself, who is?
So in case no one has every told you, its ok to be protective of your life. Its ok to protect your energy, to have boundaries with people who take advantage of your kind heart.
Another note, on a more personal life issue, Pigeon continues to have seizures every 3-4 weeks, despite a pretty heavy dose of drugs. As I watch him age, realizing he could live another 5 years or a mere few months since I have no idea what’s going on inside his head, I am grateful, so very grateful, that for the first time years I am able to have a job schedule that allows me to keep him this summer and not have to ship him off to summer camp. We don’t always have the time we bank on having later on, and right now I’m spending as much time with him in the wild before I start school as I can. Thank goddess for that, the best surprise of all this year.