A little over a week ago I found out Pigeon has a brain tumor in the back of the right side his brain. It’s growing, putting pressure his brain, which explains the seizures. I kind of knew this was happening, I’ve spent countless weekends in the woods alone with him crying it through, riding it out.
But seeing it on a computer screen made it real. Now every time I look at him, I see the tumor, and I see the future, and see when I have to make a choice for him, when I have to let my love for him turn so completely selfless that I made the best possible choice for him.
I didn’t say anything about it for a few days. Then I drank a lot of beer and picked a fist fight with someone over a 100 lbs bigger than me. Then I broke the light in my bedroom jumping on my bed.
And I know its not healthy, its not the best way to process anything. (Haven’t we learned better by now, Annabell?). I wanted to hide those parts of the processing, the parts where it hurt so bad to see the tumor in his brain that all I craved was physical pain of some sort to distract me.
But then I read this little blurb by Yrsa Daley-Ward:
And I remembered I am trying to live in the open now. I am trying to be open about the struggles in my life. I am trying not to shut people out, shut down, shut up. People will be there for you if you let them, the key is letting them. There are people who will say to you, “I love you despite your wildness”, and there are people who will say, “I love you because of your wildness”.
Choose those people. Let them love you.
So here I am, still learning. Remembering there are good things, there is school starting, there are good times this summer, there is teaching kayaking, hiking, wandering in Pisgah, riding Connie, getting good at painting mushrooms. There is good. And its even better because of the bad.
(Yin yang bitches).
Love to you all.